in which I uncover Jehovah's sinister plot to take over the world

Thursday 11/30/06
Beverly Hills 90210: 5:53 PM to 7:00 PM
Grey's Anatomy: 9:00 PM to 10:00 PM
Total Viewing Time: 2 hours 7 minutes

"The Bible foretold that our time would be characterized by people who are 'lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-contol, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, [and] lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.' You will probably agree that many television characters are just like that. 'From these,' the Bible admonishes 'turn away." (2 Timothy 3:1-5) (from step 4 of the Ocotober 2006 Awake magazine guide to television reduction)

I moved past step 2 "Reduce Your Viewing Time" and step 3 "Schedule What You Watch" and onto Step 4 "Be Selective". This, apparently, means that I should only be watching shows about honest God fearing squeaky clean folk. God, this is going to be harder than I thought. But maybe Step 4 is a ruse. Perhaps that sneaky Jehovah is really trying to get me to shut it off all together. It's the only sane reaction to subjecting oneself to such boring television. If I don't allow myself to watch people who are haughty or blasphemous or who don't love goodness, then that pretty much leaves 7th Heaven and Mother Angelica. But, perhaps not even those. Mother Angelica is a really angry woman. She's definitely fierce and I would perhpas go so far as to say that she isn't open to any agreement. Plus, I've always felt that the parents on 7th Heaaven molest their kids. I know they've never shown anything like that in the 46 years that the show has been on, but in whatever alternative universe that exists the Reverend Camden sure does like to take old Mary up into his room and show her a thing or two. Why else would the blond kid always be scowling like that?
So what does that leave me to watch other than Touched by an Angel reruns on Pax TV (the title speaks for itself). Nothing, Not one thing. I mean those philandering, ethically challenged, way too sexy surgeons on Grey's Anatomy have no natural affection and they're haughty. Meanwhile, over in Beverly Hills, Brenda takes Brandon's car without asking or having a license which is self-assuming and she is often disobedient to her parents and she's headstrong. Brandon is totally puffed up with pride and Steve and Kelly are lovers of pleasure rather than God. So, obviously, it is a deeper plot cooked up by this Jehovah and his followers to rid the world of television altogether and send us into 1000 years of darkness.

Watching Grey's Anatomy was a violation of step 3. Well, I had planned to watch it and Ugly Betty before that, but then once I had shut off the TV after 90210, I realized that I didn't care what happened. Then the set switched itself on at 9 and flipped to ABC somehow. Sometimes, we don't choose the shows we watch, sometimes they choose us.

Nothing

Wednesday 11/29/06
Nothing. Not for one second did I plug into the Comcast today. I didn't learn to skydive or teach blind people to fingerpaint or get certified to teach English as a Second Language. I also didn't do any of the things on my actual "I Wish I Could If I Had More Time" list. What did I do? I bought a new cell phone. Sprint. Because Ron Livingston is their spokesman and he is in Office Space and I love Office Space. I am quite the educated consumer.

It isn't healthy to harbor revenge fantasies against characters in commericals

Tuesday 11/28/06
Beverly Hills 90210 (the pilot!): 5:35 PM to 6:59 PM
Gilmore Girls: 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Veronica Mars: 9:00 PM to 10:00 PM
Total Viewing Time 3 hours 24 minutes

It's becoming harder and harder for me to watch the Gilmore Girls. The actors are phoning it in. I don't blame them. Their characters are being written like pod people replacements of their former selves. Everything seems homogenized and air brushed so that Abercrombie will keep their strange product placement hold on the CW Tuesdays. It's like that hack Rosenthal has moved the show into that strange parallel universe where that Hallmark commercial in which all of the people stuck in the airporrt are actually cheered by the horrendous mom-pod who livens things up for them and her kids by producing some wretched santa rotating musical thing instead of barely suppressing violent outbursts of rage against that fucking woman and the whole fucking Christmas season. If I was stuck in an airport trying to get home for Christmas and that happened, I would...well probably nothing, but I would certainly think about it. I hate that syrupy world. Please bring my TV show back from it. Please.

Monday 11/27/06
Beverly Hills 90210 5:25 PM to 6:00 PM
Beverly Hills 90210: The Final Goodbye 6:17 PM to 6:20 PM
West Wing 6:20 PM to 7:00 PM
Jeopardy 7:00 PM to 7:28 PM
Heroes 9:00 PM to 10:00 PM
Studio 60 10:00 PM to 10:58 PM
Total Viewing Time: 3 hours 44 minutes

Limbo

It's the waiting time. I've convinced myself to turn it off for now. I don't need to watch straight-through from 90210 to Studio 60. Watching Deal or No Deal once is educational. Twice, I can still tell myself that I'm still trying to understand it. At three times, I was no longer trying to understand why this show was on the air, but merely shouting 'Take the deal!" at the screen. I do not want to be that guy. I've been that guy too many times before.
The waiting is easier when I give myself tasks. First, I'll do the dishes. Then, I'll wipe the counters. Maybe, I'll skim something mindless like the City Paper. If I leave myself undistracted for too long, the anxiousness kicks in. I'll be looking at the clock: 1 hour 15 minutes until Heroes, 1 hour 5 minutes until Heroes. If I'm in the living room, I'll stare at my reflection in the TV screen and think about turning it on. I'm killing time right now. I've looked at the clock about five or six times since I started writing this five minutes ago. Not all that much longer now. Any chance of cooking dinner is pretty much shot at this point. I don't want to miss a minute of Heroes. I'll just pretend that I have a stomach virus and eat saltines and ginger ale tonight. And definitely something really high in fat and sugar just before I go to bed.
The 90210 finale was disapointing, if it's actually possible to be disappointedin something that I watch because of its stupidity. Of course, I missed the beginning. Last minute phone calls at work prevented me from sneaking out as early as I'd planned. Missing a large chunk left me extremely concerned with every moment that I got to see. Everything was ending so fast after the equivalent of 10 years of dragging it out. So much was wasted on the vows and on the third rate musical guest (Eric Benet, who I guess was appropriate because he makes just that insipid synthetic 90s cheeseball R&B that was the David Silver sound. It was claustrophobic and there were useless dance floor montages montages (no one was even trying to dance well anymore) and not one Walsh showed up (except Brandon via video message). But it was worth it to hear the theme music go super adagio and play up the treble for maximum sentimentality while the image slowed, blurred, pulled back and faded out. I didn't cry (which is notable because I cry at about just about every moment that the screenwriter or the composer tell me to and then some) but it was satisfying to see some sort of end to such a cumbersome, lopsided narrative. Tomorrow of course it begins again with those Minnesota Walshes coming to glitzy Beverly Hills and thus is the beautiful loop structure of syndicated television.
13 minutes now. Just enough time to roll a joint for the opening credits and look in the refrigerator a few times.

Withdrawal without cold turkey

Maybe it was because I was anxious about returning to work after a 4 day weekend or that I was stressed about all of the work I had waiting for me or maybe it was because I forgot to remind all of you to watch the series finale of 90210 on Soapnet today at five but I could not sleep last night. Still, I can't hwlp but think that my relative lack of televisual exposure yesterday left my body too alert, desperate for that multicolored radiation and sound to lull me into a soporific haze. My body hadn't relaxed enough and, so, I sat there at 6 AM trying to breathe myself to sleep. Withdrawal without even going cold turkey is harsh.
If you do have digital cable or other access to Soapnet tonight, I urge to watch Donna and David tie the knot. You just know that on an episode like this lots of former cast members will show up trying to remind the world that they exist.

Under 100

Sunday 10/26/06
Ashlee Simpson Video on MTV Hits: 6:31 PM to 6:33 PM
"Prime"; 9:43 PM to 9:45 PM
"Office Space": 9:45 PM to 10:00 PM
The Wire: 10:00 PM to 11:00 PM
Flipping 11:00 PM to 11:02 PM
Family Guy: 11:02 PM to 11:20 PM
Total Viewing Time: 1 hour 39 minutes
I'm sitting here patting myself on the back for under a hundred minutes of television when I start to wonder whether I missed a new Degrassi. I hope they rerun it during the week if I did. I don't feel any better or smarter and I certainly didn't do anything edifying or good for humanity with my time, unless watching The Wire counts.

Jehovah Part II

Saturday 11/25/06
Flipping: 5:17 PM to 5:20 PM
"Dune: Special Edition (On Demand): 5;20 PM to 8:17 PM
Flipping: 9:00 PM to 9:05 PM
"The Break Up" (On Demand): 9:05 PM to 11:00 PM
Flipping: 11:00 PM to 11:02 PM
Da Ali G Show: 11:10 PM to 11:30 PM
Saturday Night Live: 11:30 PM to 11:31 PM
"The Wedding Singer": 11:31 PM to 11:37 PM
Total Viewing Time: 5 hours 26 minutes

I can feel this journal affecting my desire for the box. It isn't demonstrated by the nearly quarter of an entire day that I spent watching today, but the idea of having to make an entry every time I changed the channel left with a sense of uneasiness about watching at all. I also spent large portions of time in the kitchen without turning off the TV so that I wouldn't have to make an entry. I deliberated with myself about whether On Demand programming counted as time spent watching TV. I also have been spending a lot more time on YouTube since I don't have to record it.

Jehovah to the rescue!

"Some say they are'TV addicts.' Of course, you cannot become addicted to TV in the same way that a person becomes addicted to narcotics, though there are similarities. Addicts devote much time to the drug they use. Though they want to reduce that time or quit the habit, they can't They sacrifice important social and family activities to use drugs, and they suffer withdrawal symptoms when they abstain. All these symptoms can occur in people who watch a lot of television." (From the October 2006 issue of Awake!, the slightly less churchy Jehovah's Witness rag).
Later on in the same issue, they suggest a 4 step plan (only 4 steps!) to taking control of this addiction. Step one is to find out what and how much you watch by maintaining a TV watching log. I decided to try it:
Friday 11/24/06
"Red River": for about 5 minutes around 3:30 PM
Beverly Hills 90210: 5:45 PM to 5:54 PM
Beverly Hills 90210: 6:10 to 7 PM
Fresh Prince of Bel Air: 7:59 PM to 7:59 PM
Comcast On Demand 8:30 PM to 8:36 PM
"Beaches" 8:36 PM to 8:45 PM
"Casino Royale" 8:48 PM to 8:54 PM
Flipping 10:24 PM to 10:27 PM
"Sin City": 10:27 PM to 10:31 PM
San Antonio vs. Dallas on ESPN: 10:31 PM to 10:40 PM
New Jersey vs.Phoenix on ESPN: 11:04 PM to 11:05 PM
South Park: 11:05 PM to 11:16 PM
"Sin City": 11:16 PM to 11:25 PM
South Park: 11;25 PM to 11;39 PM
Flipping 1:08 AM to 1:13 PM
VH1 Classic doc on Beatles breakup: 1:13 AM to 1:19 AM
"Silent Night" on Hallmark channel: 1:19 AM to 1:27 AM
Video Gospel: 1:27 AM to 1:29 AM
Total Viewing time 2 hours 41 minutes

IF corporate whores were actual whores, I'd be a crack whore

It's later than I ought to be staying up and an unpleasnt thought occurs to me; maybe I ought to watch less TV. Maybe all of those people who I disdain who talk about how bad TV is for you and how they either don't watch TV at all or limit themselves to an hour a day are actually on to something. I've attempted to justify my addiction by posturing as some sort of cultural critic. I've convinced myself that it's actually important that I'm up to speed on Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty, that, once in a while, I flip on Top Model to remind myself of the Great Void, that I saturate myself with the "cultural critique" of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and South Park. I watch a little General Hospital and a bit of 90210, Without a Trace or Law and Order: SVU. I tell myself that it's not that I'm incapable of shutting the TV off until I am ready for sleep, no, it's actually important that I expose myself to the zeitgeist.
The saddest thing about it is that I know that I'm kidding myself. I have a constant need for stimulation and consumption. Television feeds this need and demands more. It tells me to smoke another joint, eat all the cookies, have a drink, melt chocolate chips in the microwave with peanut butter. Keep watching, keep eating, keep smoking that voice in the back of my head demands. Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE FORWARD with anything productive or worthwhile. just make yourself fat and stupid and fade into the wallpaper of monotony, repetition and stasis. I let the warm flickering beams of light take over for my stream of consciousness and I suck on Comcast's sweet pipe.
Frankly, I have no idea what I would do with all of the time that I currently dedicate to television. I think that the hipsters knit although that's probably over by now. Maybe I could join a scene. I could buy a lot of black clothing with patches and become a West Philly punk kid or I could get some nipple clamps and a butt plug and hang out with fetishists or maybe get involved in a nice community garden and spend some time with some creepy vegetarians who know way too much about neighborhood politics. Or maybe I could use the time to do some of the things that I always pretend I want to do but never do like teach myself guitar and make short films and write scripts and become a jazz pianist. But, the defeatist in me knows that none of that will ever happen. I'm a stimulation junkie and one of the laziest people alive who still maintains a full time job. The multicolored, audio enhanced stimulation box is all I have and the bullshit pseudo-academic front is the only crutch is all I have to stand on. i'm too tired after 8 and a half hours bathing in the fluorewscent light, getting approval from one person to get approval from another to do anything that might someday get me out. So I flip on the box to dull the panic of stasis and I dig myself a little deeper into my hole of mediocrity. I watch to dull the ache of work and I work so I can afford to have a place to eat junk food and watch TV. I whore myself to the corporations so I can have my TV crack
Anyway, for all those concerned, I have figure out that a week from Monday, Soapnet will be airing the 2 hour series finale of 90210. It should be several months before it flips around again so be sure to get home from work early for Donna and David's wedding.

I'm officially a loser

It was inevitable I suppose. I was hoping to keep my joy unadulterated, my fantasy world intact. I didn't want to be one of those creepy anonymous losers in cyberspace(quite possibly my least favorite word) ranting about minute details in their favorite TV series. I wanted to be one of those creepy anonymous losers ranting about TV shows that aren;t their favorite. A cultural critic, not an angry fan. But they finally got me. It didn't take long, I'll admit, but they got me. I could resist. I could let it go. I could try to forget about the large hunk of Splenda shoved up my ass over and over again that was last night's episode of the Gilmore Girls. I have maintained for a while now that I can't comment objectively on the show. Whenever anyone asked me if I thought that the show had "jumped the shark" (a phrase that's up there with cyberspace in my mind) I would answer that I didn't know. It was definitely weird but I couldn't help but think that they were going somewhere. I didn't really understand what the New York Times woman was talking about, but of course real TV critics get to watch these episodes weeks before we, regular people, do. But the cooing and the I love yous and fucking nonstop Chrisopher and Rory having these new friends who she would never like and there wasn't one witty well put together moment in the entire show. Some fucking hack douchebag who used to write and executive produce Dharma and Greg got to write the episode. He's most assuredly friends with the hack Claudia Schiffer obsessed douchebag who runs the show now. Even the long awaited return of Mrs. Kim couldn't give the show any life. I wanted to vomit the whole time but nothing came up.
I get it. I saw the preview for next week's episode. Luke is going to fight fucking Christopher over Lorelai. People in town aren't going to be happy that Lorelai married Christopher. Maybe this is all leading to Lorelai realizing that Christopher and this whole bizarre reconciling family values experiment that the show has been on lately are wrong. But it's no excuse. It's like my anarchist friends talking about how things have to get worse for them to get better. Society has to totally crumble before it can be rebuilt properly (maybe Bush is a closet anarchist). But, 1. that is bullshit and 2 this is a fucking TV show even if they are moving to the result that the majority of Gilmore fans want (Luke with Lorelai) it doesn't justify flaccid television. One week fine. Two weeks is pushing it, but this shit has been going on all season long.
Fuck you David Rosenthal and fuck you as well David Babcock. You have turned me into that Internet loser throwing out references that almost none of the 7 readers of this blog will get decrying the spiritual demise of a once great TV show.

The Unfortunate Demise of Liberal Lois

Election day is finally officially over. Everyone
knows who will control the House and who will control
the Senate and, yes, I was wrong and paranoidd about
the leadup. And I should feel happy. I mean I really
hate the Republicans and their power has been slightly
diminished. But I have been in the worst mood all
day. It could be that I committed the utterly
self-flagellating act of voting for Bob Casey last
night or it could be the knowledge that what this
election really signifies is the death of any chance
at Progressivism. If that sounds strange to you,
consider the fact that a huge number of these
"Democrats" would be Republicans in any other year.
Take Casey who is more conservative than my other
senator, Arlen Specter or take Webb who is a Reaganite
or take Heath Shuler, the former Redskins quarterback
who NPR seems to believe is anti-taxes, anti-gay,
anti-woman. In order to beat a ridiculously unpopular
Republican machine, the Democrats had to scour the
country for Republicans who were willing to call
themselves Democrats in order to become members of
Congress. Soon, the Democrats won't have anything to
offer. They won't protect women or gays or the poor
or anyone. They will just be Not-Republicans. Just
like the GOP in terms of values but with a squishy
unpleasant texture. This all brings me to the real
reason that I am sad. Somewhere around here is a
Congressional district (the 6th I think) where a woman
named Lois Murphy ran against a Republican incumbent
named Jim Gerlach. In 2004 she ran against him as
well and lost, by 2 points. All through the race, the
RNC has been running ads about her calling her Liberal
Lois. Clearly, this is meant to confuse the voting
public into forgetting they are angry about
prescription drug costs and the Iraq war with that
dirty L word. They put a cut-out graphic of her
slightly sideways and talk about Liberal Lois and her
dirty secrets (which turn out to be that she's
endorsed by Moveon.org) in front of graphics of evil
liberal organizations. These commercials of course
are attack ads but they endeared Liberal Lois to me
like a compassionate suburban mom folk hero. Here
comes Liberal Lois to save the day. I've even started
using "Liberal Lois" as a term of endearment.
Liberal Lois Murphy conceded this morning. She lost
by exactly the same margin that she did in 2004. Jim
Gerlach, a doughy faced white guy who looks like that
closeted pedophile wrestling coach you had in high
school, will return to the Congress. How is it that a
long well-funded campaign in a district that,
considering how close it was last time, should have
broken blue stayed red? Could it really be because
her first name is Lois and it alliterates very
smoothly with Liberal?
Of course it can be. Liberal is a more damaging word
than Nazi or Fascist these days. Well, maybe not
Nazi. But, seriously, I don't know anyone who calls
themselves a liberal anymore. My friends want to be
called leftists or progressives. Liberal means weak.
Liberal means you're a tax-raising, murder forgiving,
queer sap who... Well I don't even know. Liberal
Lois was an inspiration to me. Now she has fallen.
Let's just hope she'll come back and rescue us all.

Election Day Ambivalence

It's election day and I'm feeling ambivalent about a lot of things. I don't usually blog from work so I'll make this quick. They're probably watching me. I think that I predicted that the Democrats would lose as a defense mechanism. It's the political equivalent of "I like Britney Spears, but it's ironic." I don't want to feel crushed again like 2004. After all of the passion and door knocking and screaming in the streets just to see it all slip away. I'm not emotionally prepared for that. But, if all of the Mainstream Media is predicting a Democratic victory, it would difficult for the vote riggers to get away with it. I'm ambivalent about what the democrats will actually do, if they win. Probably nothing.
But, mostly, I'm ambivalent about what to watch. It's election day and I haven't decided on which network to watch election coverage. And, more importantly, as it is Tuesday and there is a new Gilmore, I'm torn about whether to watch election coverage or Lorelai and Rory between 8 and 9 PM. Gilmore Girls is the happy little blanket of a blissful little idyllic world that I wrap myself in every week. All I will get from the election coverage is disappointment and a harsh reminder of the impossibility of change.
Those of you not addicted to television probably don't understand. You're probably thinking "What the hell is wrong with this guy?! It's the most important election in years and he is going to watch some guilty pleasure show?!" But you clearly don't understand TV addiction. I plan my life around TV. Right now, Wednesday and Friday are the only week nights for which I will make plans. If my friend Slegel at work lends me his Season 1 of Lost, I just might lose Wednesdays. I mean who ever heard of elections on a Tuesday? Well, don't answer that. But why, why would the CW play a new episode tonight? Just to torture me? Maybe, it's to keep those pop culture literate Gilmore fans from voting. No, that doesn't make sense, polls will be closed by then. Oh hell, that's not even the hardest decision I have to make today. I have to choose between voting for a woman-hating socially conservative scum bag and not voting for the Senate at all. It's the first election I have ever voted in when I did not know exactly who I was voting for going in. I guess Bob "Pro-Life Democrat" Casey will have to wait and see if I will help him defeat Rick "I'm so bad, they turned my last name into slang for a mixture of shit, lube and cum" Santorum. Decisions, decisions. Well, it is election day.

I hope I'm wrong but...

I'm wondering how it will play when the democrats lose on tuesday. Will it just be accepted? Will there be lots of stories about inaccuracy of polling and how America saw the Democrats true colors with Kerry's "remark" or "comment" or "botched joke" (i don't know why it hadn't occurred to me that he would somehow find a way to fuck up this election) and about just how shrewed Karl Rove really is? Maybe there will be a handful of stories about problems with polling here or there but no one will come out on TV and say it. It's fucking Diebold and ID cards and vote challenges but mostly its Diebold. When I worked at the California recall election doing whatever it is that the people who sit behind the table and find people's names do, the cable news shows had called the election for Schwarzenegger hours before I went to count headquarters to drop off the vote tallies. How did they know so early, before any results had been sent (we certainly weren't sending results throughout the day), before everyone had voted? Exit polls. No one questioned the exit polls then. It wasn't until Kerry was leading in Virginia and North Carolina early in the day did people start thinking maybe exit polls weren't so sharp. But CNN never came out and said maybe Diebold just fudged the numbers. Maybe Kerry did win all of those states it seemed like he was winning but then whoops the computer says different. I know I'm just inarticulating one of those wacko lefty conspiracy theories tbat plenty of others have put out there before. But i just dont know, everyone keeps saying the democrats are going to win and I can't see anyone (not John Kerry, not Karl Rove and not Mr. Diebold) letting that happen. I probably just choose to believe in a massive evil voting machine rigging conspiracy so that I can maintain just a shred of faith in humanity or Americans or whatever. So that I can continue to believe that all things being fair and equal that people wouldn't as a majority choose to move towards evil and mean-spiritedness and a culture of hate and fear and that some of those who were duped before and actually voted Republican would begin to see through their lies. The sad thing is that even if Anderson Cooper or Brian Williams or some other douche bag got on TV and told the American people th at there was definitive proof that the election had been rigged and that, despite that, the result would stand, no one would take to the streets. There would be no general strike, no riots, nothing. A few hundred protest hoppers would stage something in a few of the major cities, but nothing that would actually do anything. There would be no Orange Revolution here Here, we will say to our friend or coworker or whoever "Isn't that fucked up? I can't believe they did that! That is so fucked up." and then they will say "Yeah! Totally fucked up." and then we will go about watching 90210 or doing paperwork or fighting over whose turn it is to do the dishes. n fight
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I am any better. I will be the first one not to stand up and for what I say that I believe.
It's why the terrorists are winning and why the Republicans are winning and why the right wing zionists are gaining power in Israel and why most brutal autocrats remain in power until they fuck with the United States oil supplies. Because only the people doing evil are really passionate about their work. The rest of us are just trying to get by.