I think I've gone all Fonzie in Hawaii

It all started a handful of Tuesdays ago. I can't remember specifically whether it was at the moment that Richard Gilmore collapsed in his class in front of Rory or if it was the next week when we worried throughout the whole episode whether he would actually die. But one thing is certain; they had me. I was, for the first time in a long time, totally engrossed in an episode of the Gilmore Girls. Christopher was practically nowhere to be found and for a brief moment, the Bizarro universe that the show had become with its wretch-inducing saccharine nuclear family bullshit faded into the background. Since then, Christopher has gone and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thus far, nothing. I, certainly, haven't been as riveted as I was when Richard's life was on the line and Emily was in full-on Emily form, but I haven't had the urge to punh myself in the face several times an episode.

This concerns me.

Could it be that all it took to hook me back into a Stars Hollow bender was for the writers to get rid of Christopher and throw in a few episodes with Miss Patty and Babette and Mrs. Kim and I would fall for this bastard Rosenthal's 2.0 vision of the show?

I convince myself that I am simply in a state of shock from how bad the episodes from earlier in the season were. Nothing could remain that bad without either Gallagher or Carrot Top attached. It had to improve and that improvement has come as such a pleasant surprise that I have been fooled into thinking that the show is almost back to form (Season 6 form, not Season 2 or 3 form). I convince myself of all this and I assure myself that everyone has their guilty pleasures and mine is that I want to see this "story" played out until the end.

But, then, just as I am reassuring myself, Veronica Mars comes on. Veronica Mars, the show to which I am a latecomer. Veronica Mars, the show which I have spent hours trying to convince my friends that if they just watched it, they would see just how great it is. And I realize that I can't remember what's going on. I realize that I barely care what's going on. Keith's the sherriff now? All of the mysteries have been neatly solved. Logan and Veronica are on again/off again. Blah blah blah.

Without a long arc mystery with the emotional resonance of Lily Kane's murder or the bus crash, the minutiae of life in Neptune and its "little" mysteries leave me cold.

I understand that those bastars at CW are putting enormous pressure on Rob Thomas and his crew of writers to get ratings up. They don't want to scare anyone away with anything that doesnt' make sense in one sitting. But, let's face it: basically everyone who thinks or writes about these things is sure that this is the last season for Veronica and the gang, so why not make it a good last season? Why cave so easily to your network masters and alter the format of the show, if they're going to pull the plug anyway?

It makes me suspect that he's a born-whore and it makes me suspect that maybe I, and not all the doubters, have been the one who has been wrong all along.

Have I "jumped the shark"? I start to think about the ways that I spend my time lately and I can count two instances in which I watched Las Vegas because Gina from 90210 is on it. I can think about all of the times that I've tuned into the CW on Tuesdays just hoping that Gilmore Girls would be a rerun so I could watch American Idol. Then, I think about all of my Wednesdays spend actually watching American Idol and all of the time afterwards that I spend staring at myself in the mirror afterwards thinking about which song that I would sing in my audition and how Simon would respond.

I'm overcome by self-doubt and wishy-washiness. I find myself telling a friend who is a comic book nerd that he should really be watching Heroes because it's really and in the next breath equivocating that its good for TV. Because I have no idea. TV is pretty much my only reference point. I used to be TV guy who was well-versed in "smart people thing". I could talk about books and music and movies and philosophy. Now, the closest I get to "smart people things" is my daily does of Jeopardy at 7. I've lost my frame of reference and I can't tell you why I like what I like. I've lost my edge. I mean Jesus Christ I just admitted to watching Jeopardy (which I can't even spell)!

But it only lasts for so long because in five minutes American Idol starts and tomorrow Grey's Anatomy can follow up that train wreck of a trilogy of episodes and soon enough that warm blurry haze will wrap itself around me and make me forget.

Grey's Anatomy and Anna Nicole (for Phu)

So Grey's Anatomy ended with a real OMG moment tonight. Except it was an "OMG, is it sweeps week?" kind of moment. As great as I think it would be for them to kill off Meredith, there is no one out there who thinks that she's going to drown. They sure did pull an ER tonight though with the whole epic disaster overwhelming everybody and letting them have their own OMG moments. OMG, how will Izzy save this man trapped under a car with no help and no medical supplies and nagging ill-groomed men standing over her? OMG, is Alex pulling an Izzy and getting too emotionally attached to the pregnant woman who he pulled out from under a concrete pylon? OMG, TR Knight must really be leaving the show if they're going to make his story line so boring. It's hard to be there and watch a show take that long slow motion leap over that great white, especially when we're way to addicted to stop.
GREY"S SHOULD NOT PULL AN ER! ER was watchable at one point. It was like an action movie and it had George Clooney. Grey's is not going to pull off the action movie thing. It would be like Ally McBeal trying to tackle serious legal issues or an extended serial killer arc on 7th Heaven (wouldn't that be great though). Grey's Anatomy thrives on 3 distinct appeals. 1) Pretty People, Sexy Problems, 2) People who are even more socially inept than we are, 3) watching the nice people either live or die and crying either way. The bomb in the guy's stomach was one thing but if they keep up with more of this "ratings grabbing" garbage, then there will be fast tracking shots and rapid editing in no time.

As for Anna Nicole, most people I talk to seem more than eager to piss on her grave. Granted, she was the Queen of the Celebriwhores. She was practically 40 and not anorexic and had no career to speak of, yet she was consistently in the tabloids. She wasn't born into extreme wealth like Paris, nor was she a talent squanderer like Lindsay. She was a straight-up scheming trashy gold-digger. She'd been in Playboy and Naked Gun 33 and 1/3, but come on, she was famous for one thing: she married the old dude who died shortly after and got her a big old chunk of his billions. She had that reality show and those diet pill ads and, yes, they were totally reprehensible.
But let's face it: her narrative is crazier and more compelling than anything that Soap opera writers could EVER come up with. She goes frim waitress to nude model to trophy wife to litigious widow to name in a Supreme Court case to diet pills saleswomen to reality show star to not really bereaved mother to paternity test avoider to sudden death. Maybe she was a soulless golddigger who got what was coming to her, but goddamn the woman had balls the size of Jupiter's moons and she, more than any other public figure who comes to mind (go screw yourself John Edwards) was the physical embodiment of the American Dream.

The American Dream died today in Florida. She was 39 and she will be missed.

My Own Hypocritical Celebrity Disappointment

There are a lot of things to be horrified by in the world right now. We started this war far far away and now lots of people theirs and ours are dying. There are very bad men in charge of very powerful weapons. The ice caps are going to melt and kill all of us in about six years. We're all retreating further and further into our customized "realities". All of that is bad and all, but let me tell you what's really been bothering me. Celebrity voiceover commercials. Specifically John Goodman-Dunkin Donuts.

Now, I know that this trend of getting well-known movie stars to do unseen spokesman duty for this or that corporation has been around for a while, so by now, like every other day to day atrocity, I should have compartmentalized it and accepted it as the way things are. And for the most part; I have. Even Alec Baldwin becoming the voice of fucking Blockbuster doesn't bother me that much and I hate Blockbuster.

It's not that I have any particular animosity towards Dunkin Donuts. I'm about 900 times more likely to go there than any other fast food place and I spent a huge part of my teen years hanging out there for no particular reason. But, it just seems so whorish to me. The way the n sound in Dunkin rolls off his tongue is so forced and sickening. A large part of the queasiness brought on by these ads probably has to do with the slogan. America Runs on Dunkin has got to be one of the worst catchphrases of all time. America doesn't run on a fake word. It runs on oil and war and greed and constant consumption. To hear that shit come out of the throar of Walter Sopchak just makes my skin crawl.

John Goodman since Roseanne and Raising Arizona has typified for the viewing public a kind of unpretentious blue collar everyman type. The fact that a chain built on a broken off g would use him just goes into overkill and exposes both sides as poorly constructed frauds.

I know I'm being a little ridiculous feeling disappointed in something that amounts to an easy paycheck for a good actor, particularly in light of my last post, but every time I see one of those ads my skin crawls. Oh and P.S Dunkin Donuts: if you can't help but burn your oily coffee, do you really think your White Hot Chocolate is going to be anything other than vomitous.

Isaiah Washington and America's Next Top President

It's been a long hiatus and many things have been on my mind, very few of which will come through coherently.

First, I am really over this Isaiah Washington/TR Knight/Grey's Anatomy celebrity bigotry scandal of the month. Now, I will grant you that Washington used a very ugly word and that he fumbled the PR recovery (my favorite is when he talked about how he always wanted to be gay). But, much has been made in the press (Salon, at least) of how he has gotten off easier than Michael Richards and how it is still more acceptable to be homophobic than it is to be racist and blah blah blah whatever. Now, TR Knight is talking about leaving the show and ABC is thinking about getting rid of Washington and replacing him with (God forbid) Bill Bellamy or killing off Dr. Burke outright.

It's all ridiculous as far as I'm concerned. Now, before you jump to conclusions, I'm not condoning homophobia. I spent a lot of time in high school trying to convince meatheads in the locker room that saying the word Washington used was as bad as saying the word that Richards used. And, I'm not trying to pretend that he slipped up and has issues he needs to deal with but that he's probably a great guy at heart. But, he is fantastic on the show. He gives Dr. Burke more character complexity and humaniity in a few glances and vulnerable moments than the writers could possibly give Meredith or anyone else on the show (except Sandra Oh) with all of the "insightful" voice overs in the world.

It's easy to come down on Michael Richards (Seinfeld was pretty much the only good thing that he ever did, sorry UHF) or Mel Gibson (his twin anti-semitism scandals came before and after The Passion which was a terrible movie), but Washington is one the few factors that keeps Grey's watchable. Would I want him over for cocktails? No. Do I need him on the show? Absolutely.

When it comes to celebrities of all tyoes, morality is a non-issue. In order to get to the position that they have attained, they have stepped on hundreds or thousands of people to get in the way. It is very similar to the Presidential paradox (in order to become President, one must become a terrible person while appearing to be a good one and in order to want to be President one must be a terrible person). Sure, you're out there thinking of examples of celebrities with good humanitarian reputations. Brangelina adopt all of those brown babies, Oprah gives away cars, Tom Hanks is the nicest guy in Hollywood. Bullshit, they're all monsters. Any illusion of goodness is carefully constructed by their publicists. We should really stop acting so surprised when they show us the face behind the mask. So, I say if it comes down to Washington or Knight having to leave the show, let it be Knight. He contributes less.


Second, I have been wracking my brain for weeks trying to work out the kinks in my political reality game show concept. It hit me suddenly one night a few weeks ago as I was watching Nashville Star. The last of the evenings mediocre performances (exceot that Angela Hacker woman) and Jewel (who has taken over the Leann Rimes spot! WTF Jewel doesn't even make country music and she sucks!) looked directly into the camera and told me that if my favorite went home next week then I had no one to blame but myself. So that set me thinking about how more people vote for American Idol than for President of the United States (which may or may not be true, but it's something that I heard so at least it's truthy). It suddenly hit me: Why don't we pick the President by American Idol? Of course, the Constitution would prevent it and we have a whole political structure that would resist, but why can't there be some type of reality game show with three political consultants or policy experts or a mix of the two sitting in for Randy, Paula and Simon. Anyone could audtition and then our panel would narrow it down to a limited set of contestants who would participate in political challenges every week or debate each other or make speeches and America would vote on their favorite by Internet or text message until there was only one. 1) It would allow felons, minors and noncitizens to finally have a say and 2) it just might get people engaged in politics (especially if they got Tyra to be the Seacrest, or even the Seacrest himself). The winner would get widespread name recognition and 5 million dollars in the Their Name for President fund.

Of course, the ugly realities jump in and harsh my buzz. We don't really need netwoek TV having any more control over the elections than they already do. Vote rigging would be very easy. Evil capitalist forceswould conspire to set us up with the Antichrist as America's Next Top President. But maybe their would be vote rigging across the whole board and for every Indonesian indentured servant voting thousands of times a day at Nike's behest, their would be 10 teenagers voting thousands of times a day for the Cute One. Sure, it opens itself up easily to worst case scenarios and the end result would probably be a bad one, but it would certainly be more fun than the lamefest that is Hilary vs. Obama vs. McCain vs. Giuliani vs. Romney and at least for one bright shining moment, we might actually get to vote for someone who doesn't make our skin crawl. Just maybe.


Finally, Gilmore Girls announced their third pregnancy of the season. Someone ought to change "Jumped thr shark" to "Having Babies"